76ers Release Team

Christmas List

      League sources have acquired a copy of the official Philadelphia 76ers' team Christmas list to Santa. The list was not surprisingly short and to the point.

     Dearest Mr. Santa Clause,

                              

                 As you may or may not know, our season is not exactly off to a great start.  We all have everything we can ask for in terms of material possessions. We have countless sports cars, mansions, supermodel wives, fine leather goods, and apparel. But, the one thing we want, escapes us. We all, as a part of the Philadelphia 76ers organization, desperately want one thing, and one thing only, this holiday season. We want to win a basketball game. We know that you can’t bring this down the chimney, wrap it in a beautiful box and place it under the Christmas tree. All we ask is please, please Santa, please can you help us in any way possible? And get us a win for Christmas.

              Sincerely,

                            The Philadelphia 76ers Organization

Please Santa, please.

The Real Reason Pablo Sandoval 

Came to Boston

        The Biggest sports story on Tuesday the 25th was when Hanley Ramirez and Pablo Sandoval, the Panda, signed with the Boston Red Sox. Sure, we know why Hanley Ramirez signed with Boston, because that was the team he started his career. But no one knows why Pablo Sandoval came to Boston. 

        Ok, we all know Pablo Sandoval’s famous nickname, the Panda. But according to league sources they think he might actually be part panda. For example, he signed a 5-year/$95 million contract with the Red Sox. But the other part is the city of Boston is planting a bamboo forest with real pandas right outside the stadium, just for him. Later this week the mayor of the city will give the "key" to the Mystical Bamboo Baseball Forest.  It’s 96 acres of pure bamboo! And there will be a panda "Field of Dreams" with bamboo bases, bats, and balls plus more.

Also, guess what number he picked on the Red Sox? 96! 
You know how there is a bubble gum bin in the dugout? Well, they replaced that with bamboo. Even today at practice Big Poppy tasted some and loved it! Now the whole team is in love with bamboo. Also, Dustin Pedroia was at the forest, interacting with a panda and harvesting some crops and then eating it on the Green Monster. And if you can believe it, he has as a part of his contract. He is required to be able to keep his “family” around him during travel. His family is a family of 6 pandas. He said in a press conference, “If we win the championship, pandas on me!” Then Big Poppy said, “I need 3, dude.”  Then The Panda said, “Not in the budget, because I bought stock in twelve different bamboo companies, and own a panda habitat in 17 different locations. Now with $95 million he said he was going to buy a panda theme house in Shaanxi, Central China after retirement it’ll be a full-time job.

      Well, as we can see, the Panda didn’t move to Boston because of winning a championship or success. Because of the habitat and for the love of pandas.

    

Derek Jeter Returns

Derek Jeter Decides to Come Back for 

His Second Final Season

 

              According to a league source, after Derek Jeter's amazing end to his final home Yankee game Jeter realized he still has a lot left in his tank. He said in a press conference, "I'd like to say I realize that I've still got a lot left to offer the world of baseball." Jeter said that after he went to brunch with Brett Favre, Brett talked him into returning.         
             
             When we asked Favre he said, "What I learned in my career is that it's never too late to make a comeback. I came back multiple times, and I think Jeter's got more in him. After those four home runs this year I realized that he can do it. Four home runs! That's a lot! Also, I would like to announce I’ll be returning to the NFL for one more last season. I just feel like I’ve got a little bit left to offer. Now if you excuse me, I have to go try and get Michael Jordan to make a comeback too.” 

              A big controversy from his comeback is that he received these expensive goodbye gifts from almost every team, and he's going to have to get another round of them this year.

             Derek Jeter is coming back to the MLB for his 2^nd last season.[

LeBron James Changes Mind About 

 "Coming Home" 

7/29/14

      According to a league source LeBron James is having second thoughts about his decision to  go back home to Cleveland. LeBron recently signed a 2yr $42M contract to return to Cleveland. After all the hype and excitement of free agency, he's realizing he may be walking into a huge mess. LeBron disclosed a bunch of the reasons why he is having second thoughts in "Coming Home Part 2:"

 Dear Fans,

        I'd like to say thank you to the city Miami, the Miami Heat organization, and my great teammates throughout the amazing 4 years I had in Miami (I should have 4 rings though.) I am coming home to my hometown Cleveland, Ohio. But I am a bit worried, and I'd like to get some thoughts off of my mind. First of all, I have to be a mentor to a bunch of rookies. They'll be asking me for autographs and probably naming their kids after me.
        Also, I'll have Kyrie trying to steal my throne.  I have Wiggins who is looking for me to make him great. And an entire city desperate for a championship. Talk about pressure!
        Dan Gilbert is very mean. He hurt my feelings very badly when he wrote that letter. I still cry about it occasionally. And who would pick Anthony Bennett with the first pick? Plus, I'll have to be traveling and playing with Anderson Varejao (and his massive hair.)  I went with him to the World Cup and couldn't even see the field over his  hair.  I probably should have worked him getting a haircut into my contract negotiations. How can I score if I can't see the basket over his mountain of hair?
        Also, Quicken Loans Arena better make sure the air conditioning works for when I come into town. Because if I get cramps, I'm out. And if I'm out you can forget the playoffs.
         I promised 8 or more championships in Miami which we all know didn't happen. But in Cleveland I don't think we'll win 8, not 7, not 6, not 5, not 4, not 3, not 2, not even 1. I'm 100% serious.  I don't know why, but, I'M COMING HOME.

  Sincerely,
  LeBron James

   Knicks Andrea Bargnani Released and 

Re-signed to a Different Role 

7/29/14

    According to a league source New York Knicks bigman Andrea Bargnani has been released from his contract and resigned by Phil Jackson in a less demanding capacity. According to Jackson, Barnani's new role will include "non-basketball responsibilities" such as "reaching for high stuff and killing spiders." 

     Jackson recently pulled muscles in his back reaching for his legendary triangle offense playbook. After months of trying to figure out the best role for Bargnani in the Knick's new offense, Jackson determined that the new role better matches Bargnani's skill set.  

    "Let's face it," said Jackson in a recent interview. "He doesn't like to move around a lot, but he can reach high stuff."